My sweet Taylor and Chloe....
Before I explain things to you, know that I love you. Beyond words. I love you that much. And it is because I love you both that I need you to know that I am not perfect. And sometimes my imperfections may hurt you. Sometimes you'll think that what I struggle with has something to do with you, and you'll wish things were different. And trust me. So do I.
So do I.
Every single one of us in this world has a struggle. We all have something that we have to continually work and fight against. And mine? Happens to be longer than I'd like moments of anxiety and sadness. It comes without warning, and goes just the same. And it's not because I don't love God enough, because I do. I love him and have given him my whole heart and soul. It's just my struggle. For now. My cross to bear.
But what I need you to know is that I am a fighter. I may cry and I may freeze up from time to time, but I do not and I will not lay down and let this take me over. I have the power of God that lives in me, and daily I take up my cross and I call upon Him to show up when I am feeling so weak. I know that in these hard times of my life, God speaks the loudest. His hugs show up daily in many different ways. And I cling to that each and every moment.
That is what I hope you take from this time of our life. Though we will have our struggles, there is a healthy way to deal with it. I can't be perfect for you. But I hope I can at least teach you that.
Know this. Sadness, depression, anxiety or the like....is not wrong. It is not wrong nor is it our fault that we feel these things. But we need to remember that it cannot HAVE US. And it is mostly because of you two and daddy, that I have found it in me to fight. I will do whatever it is I have to do to be the best mom and wife I can be. I will fight this battle with all that God has given me so that I am able to come out of it the strong person he intended me to be and live the life He would be proud of.
But, right now....I am still struggling. Still fighting. And still, perhaps, not entirely the best mom and wife I dreamed I would be. I get sad. I get anxiety. I feel broken and scared. I am so incredibly human.
My struggles? Are mine. And for whatever reason, God is allowing it in my life at this time. He has a reason. There IS a purpose. We don't see it. I know I don't, but I trust in Him.
And you have to know and BELIEVE that they have NOTHING to do with you....or my love for you. When I need to go in my room to find a peaceful moment, it's not because I don't love you.
And you have to know and BELIEVE that they have NOTHING to do with you....or my love for you. When I need to go in my room to find a peaceful moment, it's not because I don't love you.
When I tend to be short tempered, it's not because you are or have done anything wrong.
When I have tears in my eyes, it's because I am hurting. But not because of anything you did or anything you are.
This is just me....living and learning, and taking each moment as it comes. Accepting the challenge God's placed before me and proving myself faithful.
I love you forever. Regardless. You are my everything. My reason to fight. My reason to be open and honest.
My greatest fear is that you'll think I'm weak.
Or that I wasn't present enough or that there was something wrong with your mom.
Instead I hope that you'll know it was me fighting a fight.
That your mom is tough. And honest. And real.
And that I believe in the power of God.
His power is within me.
And he PROMISES to bring Beauty from Pain.
I hope one day when you're older and you can read this letter, you will understand me better and understand this time of our life.
I love you.
Beyond.
Matthew 11:28
New International Version (NIV)
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
© 2011 "Le Musings of Moi"
9 people have something to say about all that...:
This is breathtaking. I know your children will appreciate this so much in the future. I know I would.
This made me cry. I get you. I feel it too. And this was very well said. Kudos. And hugs.
::tears:: such a sweet letter. I too struggle with some of these issues and have wondered at times if I should even THINK about having children. But thankfully we serve a mighty big GOD who can overcome even the tiniest of problems.
Praying for you today (((hugs)))
Wow. Powerful.
This was beautiful.
Keep fighting... God is there.
Makay
www.thebirdssay.blogspot.com
This was beautiful and honest. Your kids are lucky to have a mom like you!
Sending you love sweet friend. Beautifully written!
You are amazing and wonderful and so REAL. Walking The Walk and not looking away from The Father for even a moment. You are Peter, on the water with Jesus. Your footing may slip but you know that if your eyes are glued to Him, you WILL BE SAFE.
Your kids will get it. Because you are teaching it to them. Because you are not looking to create an unhealthy cycle in their lives but instead to grow a young man and young woman into Children of the Father who can also walk with CONFIDENCE.
I pray for peace tonight for you. That by writing these things out, you have ingrained them even further into your mind and heart and soul.
Love you.
I wish I could hug you! You are so much stronger than you realize. I love that you wrote this for your kids, but I think it probably helped you more than you thought it would. It wasn't just for them. It was for you...and for us.
I'm hopeful because you cling to him and I love that you said this: "But we need to remember that it cannot HAVE US." Amen sister, amen!
Keep fighting. I <3 you!
Oh my gosh, this is so raw and real and beautiful! And i feel the same way... Anxiety and depression are my "crosses to bear" so to speak, and I want my kids to know it's not THEIR fault or mine. And it's not cause I don't love and trust God enough. It kills me when people try to say depression isn't real... that you just have to have more faith. Anyway, I won't go off on that tangent. ;0) Back to YOU. Great post. Thanks for keeping it real!! I am loving your blog.
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