the purpose of insomnia

Another night...I lay awake thinking.

When I was young and my mom would come to check on me before she went to bed, she'd often find me awake.

"Honey, why aren't you asleep?" She'd ask.
"I just can't stop thinking..." I'd respond.

Some things don't change....except it's now Jimmy doing the asking.

Tonight is one of those nights.

My mind is spinning.
God is talking...or stirring...or something.

I feel Him.

~~~~~~~

I so often write about being purposeful...and yet I fail every day.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

                                                            —Galatians 5:22–23

I read this tonight, and instantly feel remorse for my attitude with the kids and Jimmy throughout the day.

I failed in every way.

I pray I have tomorrow...so I can try a little harder to be more like Him.

I say that now...but will I really once the tasks begin and the days gets busy?

~~~~~~~

Tomorrow is Taylor's first day back at school, and for the first time I'm nervous.

I want to protect his heart and soul, I want to keep him safe and pure....and yet I don't want to shelter him or hide his light that's meant to shine.

And so we talk about his purpose at school...

He thinks it's learning.

I tell him he's right, but that there is something even more important.

"Being like God?" He asks.

"Loving like God.  Being an example of Him.  That is your purpose in everything, especially at school."  

And I think he gets it...but will he still when he's away from me?

I give that to the Lord.

And place my baby in His hands.

I can't control everything.

Really, I can't control anything.

~~~~~~~

Like the two women who have rejected me in the classes I help teach at the gym.

Why my mind gives them this time at night, I don't know.

But here they are taking up the hours I should be asleep.

They've never talked to me.

They don't know me, my stories, my heart, my desires...

They have no idea how much I simply want to bring them laughter and joy, and instead somehow it's misery and anger I leave them with.

It hurts.

But, I don't want them to have that power.

I just wish they knew my purpose.

I wish they'd see into my heart.

~~~~~~~

And then as I decide it's time to stop, to finally give up these thoughts to Him so I can finally rest...

I end up thinking about my blog.

My place to freely express my heart, even in the times of sleepless nights.

And how incredible God is to use even this moment for something.

I have no idea what it would be, but He could if He wanted.

And that is my purpose in continuing to write.

And why I continue to be confused about stats and networking and who is who on the up and up...

Because when my walls and barriers are down, and the night has me vulnerable, 

I think only of the incredible people God has brought to and through my life because of our open hearts.

I am grateful for all the experiences and blessings I continually have because of Him.

Because of you.

Because of a silly little blog.

Because of sleepless nights that have a purpose.

~~~~~~~

I think too much, I know.

God chooses the night because he knows it's when He can show up and be heard.

It's always been this way....

~~~~~~~

And I'll take my date times with God any way they show up.

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